Goodbye

I'm home now, in Closter.  It rained a lot all weekend. In the city it's pretty unpleasant, since my apartment is still hot and stuffy and all of the bad city smells are amplified by the humidity: wet garbage on the street, stinky car exhaust, cat food, the metallic smell of hot tar roofs steaming under the rainwater.. Everything here in Closter is so fragrant and peaceful. No car horns or parties, just the crickets and the quiet hum of the street lights; here the air is cool and thick with the smell of earth and green plants growing. I took Birdie for a walk in my bare feet and we both reveled in the beauty of this lush suburban night.

Months of working and meandering have zoomed up to today, the day before I leave. My apartment has been vacated of my belongings (packed safely away now at my parents') and is all ready for the subletter, a fun and very beautiful Australian girl with a work visa (thank you Craigslist). My backpack is craftily stuffed with everything one could think to bring on a 6 month journey. I took a long bath today, just to get extra clean. It feels like I spent all this time stressing out about all the loose ends (Sorry J- not your style) and now there's nothing to think about but the task at hand.

Hardest part about leaving? Leaving everybody behind. I have this sick thought that my grandparents will die while I'm gone, or that J's family house will be blown away by a tornado. That my friends' lives will collapse without my loving support and sage advise. That my parents' home will continue to accumulate other people's crap until it looks like "Hoarders: Special Edition". That TJ will decide to get married while I'm gone instead of next summer. That my little sister will grow up and turn into a nasty teenager and I won't recognize her. That I'll come back and New York will be a pile of rubble, etc etc etc..

When I step outside the funhouse of my brain, it turns out that most of those worst case scenarios aren't going to happen- and if they do, there probably isn't much I could have done to stop them in the first place. But.. it's so hard for me to let go. I think that's what I really want to work on, these next few months.

Anyway. J has been exploring Alaska on his own these past few days, catching salmon with his bear hands (not kidding) and howling with the wolves at night. I haven't seen him in two or three weeks and I'm so excited to start this big thing with him. My guy- tough, adventurous, clear-eyed and open-minded, super goofy... I don't know anybody else I'd rather travel around the world with. Do you? I feel so nervous and lucky.

That's it. Sayonara, suckers. See you in the future

12:39 AM

Closter, New Jersey